This is a correction of Beck’s Depression Inventory; it is now a true inventory of depression, uncorrupted by the faggotry of modern psychology. The purpose of this test is to let you know how much of a piece of shit you are, sometimes known as “being depressed.”
Th3 J3st3r’s Piece of Shit Inventory Test.
This piece of shit inventory can be self-scored. The scoring scale is at the end of the questionnaire. Just remember that the first step is being honest, you piece of shit!
0 I do not complain.
1 I complain sometimes.
2 I complain a lot.
3 I complain all the time about pretty much everything–to pretty much anyone trapped in my vicinity.
0 I always look for solutions to problems.
1 I sometimes look for solutions to problems.
2 I do not look for solutions to problems.
3 I become overtly hostile when people give me solutions to problems.
0 I do not cry.
1 I cry rarely.
2 I cry a lot.
3 I’ve cried so much I’m out of tears, and so I’ve found a way to make every word that comes out of my mouth sound like a substitute for the tears I’d like to shed.
0 I take showers once a day, and groom myself regularly.
1 I take showers once every-other day, and groom myself sometimes.
2 I take showers roughly once a week, and I find an excuse to have an unkempt appearance.
3 I don’t shower, and I don’t care how I look at all.
0 I work out regularly–or play sports–and find it fun.
1 I sometimes work out or play sports.
2 I do not work out or play sports.
3 I do not work out or play sports, and find almost everyone who does to be a stupid meat-head.
0 I do not consider myself part of a subculture. Most genres of music are welcome, so long as the artist performing is on-point and practiced.
1 I take part in a subculture, but I don’t take it too seriously, and I listen to a wide range of music genres.
2 I take part in a subculture. Music from categories that fit my subculture is almost exclusively what I listen to. I have difficulty relating to other subcultures, but I’m not overtly hostile toward them. I wear apparel that expresses my subculture sometimes.
3 I take part in a subculture. I listen exclusively to whichever music falls under the categories which my subculture deems appropriate. I always wear my subculture’s apparel proudly for everyone to see; sometimes I’ll wear anarchist symbols, communist tattoos, band patches, and various statements overtly–just because letting everyone know about my opinions and allegiances is very important to me. Anyone from another subculture is wrong and stupid. For example: If I’m a “wholesome country boy” I’ll always wear a cowboy hat, listen exclusively to country, and have a “God and Guns” or “Support the blue line” bumper sticker; If I’m a “wild modern girl” I’ll dye my hair blue, wear a Billy Eilish shirt, and have a tattoo that says “not your property.”
0 I do not like talking politics at work or school.
1 I sometimes make a joke or two which are tangentially related to politics while I am at work or school.
2 I talk politics at work or school.
3 I LOVE talking politics at work or school. What I have to say politically is very important.
0 I smile and laugh only when it is natural and without the least bit of effort.
1 I’ll sometimes give a small amount of effort to smile.
2 I’ll smile and laugh if it’s the “socially correct” thing to do. I don’t want to offend anyone or come off as not understanding a joke.
3 I’m smiling and laughing at whatever I think will benefit me all the time, and I’ve probably convinced myself that I genuinely think whatever I’m laughing at is funny.
0 I have absolutely no preconceived notions about women.
1 I believe women are a lot like men.
2 I believe women are strong.
3 I believe women are strong, and basically more innocent than men in nature. More empathetic, too.
0 I forgive people in a heartbeat.
1 I forgive people after a while.
2 I forgive people after a long time.
3 I hold grudges until I die.
0 I’m never irritated.
1 I get irritated very seldomely.
2 I get irritated from time to time.
3 I am irritated all the time. The slightest thing could set me off.
0 No jokes offend me personally.
1 I can take a joke about myself, and dish one out, but certain things cross the line for me personally.
2 I don’t like jokes at my expense. A lot of things cross the line for me personally.
3 I judge jokes as serious statements, and I judge people harshly for making them. I am greivously offended by many types of humor, and many things are taken personally for me.
0 I understand that people are evil, but that the majority mean well.
1 I think some people are evil, and some are good.
2 I think most people are good.
3 I think almost everyone is evil, and that they mean ill-will toward me, especially me personally!
0 It’s incredibly important for me to pull my own weight in a group.
1 I do what I’m required to most of the time.
2 I slack off, and other people are saddled with the burden.
3 I actively try to do less work, and make up excuses for doing as little as possible.
0 Venting about issues would make me feel worse than better.
1 Venting should only be used under the utmost need.
2 Venting is good to do sometimes.
3 Venting is something I do on a daily basis.
0 I never masturbate or look at porn.
1 I masturbate or look at porn 1-3 times a week.
2 I masturbate or look at porn daily.
3 I masturbate or look at porn several times a day OR I’m completely disinterested in sex.
0 I always choose to speak the truth rather than save someone’s feelings.
1 I will sometimes save someone’s feelings if the truth will really hurt them.
2 Being nice is very important to me. Only at the utmost need will I speak the truth if it means hurting someone’s feelings.
3 I’m always nice. Feelings matter more than truth. I try to never hurt a person’s feelings.
0 I eat healthy.
1 I eat semi-healthy
2 I eat garbage.
3 The reason I’m fat is because I go into starvation mode since I don’t eat enough, and then the calories I end up eating after my body has gone into starvation mode are then stored as fat for further starvation. I’m also big-boned, and have a slow metabolism. Either way, it’s not my fault that I’m fat.
0 I have no kinks. 100% straight.
1 I have a few kinks, but nothing really out there.
2 I have severe kinks/fetishes, sometimes weird or outright grotesque.
3 I’m a fag and/or pedophile, and everyone needs to accept my sexuality as normal.
0 I never talk behind another person’s back. I never listen to rumors. Time tells the truth.
1 I sometimes talk behind other people’s backs–but only if they do something bad! I believe some rumors.
2 I talk behind people’s backs for entertainment purposes. I believe most rumors.
3 I love spreading rumors. I will actively sabotage a person’s reputation by spreading a rumor that I know to be false, just for my own pleasure or machiavellian purposes. I’m so full of shit that I believe all rumors or none because I’m too paranoid.
INTERPRETING THE BECK DEPRESSION INVENTORY
Now that you have completed the questionnaire, add up the score for each of the twenty questions by counting the number to the left of each question you marked. The highest possible total for the whole test would be sixty. This would mean you circled number three on all twenty questions. Since the lowest possible score for each question is zero, the lowest possible score for the test would be zero. This would mean you circled zero on each question.
You can evaluate your depression according to the Table below.
0_______________________Christ himself; perfection. Good job!
1-10____________________You’re a cool person to be around.
11-16___________________You’re cool, but you have your moments.
21-30___________________Average person, but not that cool.
31-40___________________No wonder you’re “depressed.” How could anyone like you, let alone yourself?
over 40__________________Woah, you’re a real piece of shit! Maybe you really should do us all a favor and off yourself?
Now that you’re done, tack on 5 points to your total score. You’re probably more of a piece of shit than you’d like to admit.